If your holiday season was anything like mine, you spent most of your time molding your food-stuffed body into the familiar contours of your parents’ couch. Lucky for us, most TV networks produced no new material, as the stress of that would force an occasional hunt for the remote controller. No sir, none of that. Instead, we wasted hours upon hours latched onto marathons of some sort, the best of which, we all know, was The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo.
Although the show has already been on for weeks, the hysteria is dizzying. With franchises already in Orange County, New York, New Jersey, and Atlanta, one might deduce this empire of catty women with fickle dilemmas has grown tired. And then a light shined down into Beverly Hills opening up a refreshed world of the same addicting cuss-storm.
Why is Beverly Hills worth our time? First and foremost, these women are rich. Like, let’s go to Vegas to visit the hotel I own, my bedroom alone is 2,500 square feet, my daughter’s fourth birthday party cost $60,000, type of rich. These lasses put more weight in jewelry on their ears than food on their plates (and to be fair, they eat more than you’d think). Second, without even opening their mouths, these housewives’ endearing - but mostly beleaguered - lives draw inescapable interest. Third, and most importantly, there is something profoundly tragic about this sextet. Sure, while some individuals definitely have their lives together and have proven they don’t need to leech fame and fortune out of the glittery world around them, others appear to be deeply affected, beaten down, and disappointed by their own fortunes, now realizing the life they sought and obtained is not the life of their childhood dreams.
With that sentiment, let’s meet the girls!
Taylor Armstrong: Taylor is from Oklahoma, which allows her to scream, “I’m about to go all Oklahoma on your ass” when she feels cornered, though this threat is undermined by the fact she weighs no more than forty pounds . She is blond, rail thin, has large lips, and is married to a condescending and nerdy curmudgeon named Russel, who has emotionally boxed her since the beginning of their relationship, evident from the first episode when she told cameras she seeks youth and beauty because she knows her husband could leave her at anytime for someone younger and more beautiful. Red flag much?
Lisa VanderPump: Lisa VanderPump is a British restaurateur, who according to her own intro, “knows everybody.” It’s not surprise. For freaks sake, I want to know her. VanderPump is bling-blinging, watches over her gay ex-model permanent house guest BFF named Cedric, and has been married to the same man since she was 21 - a spunky Brit who could have played James Bond in his prime, but has aged into someone who probably spends most of his time forwarding emails to old chums and chasing endangered species around his sprawling estate. Best of all, she has a daughter named Pandora. Pandora VanderPump. You know you’ve made it in the world when you can unironically name your daughter Pandora VanderPump. That pretty much says everything about my favorite housewife of all time. Lisa Vanderpump, mother of Pandora.
Kyle Richards: Kyle Richards looks like Demi Moore, with sharp features that are unmistakably bitchy. And to be fair, she does have several aggressive qualities that accommodate her intimidating front. On the other hand, Kyle seems like a stable mother, complete with a hunky and caring husband, and four drug-free children. Her co-star and sister, Kim, is a different story.
Kim Richards: Kim and Kyle are both Paris and Nicky Hilton’s aunts, though Kim is the only one who would say this in the first thirty seconds of meeting someone. Kim is the only single lady of the group, which is another facet of her life she makes abundantly clear to any victim within earshot, because Kim, you see, is obsessed with her own loneliness. Kim is nervous. Kim is always on the defense. Kim grips to her past as a child actress, to her present as a uninvolved aunt to a volatile social icon, and because of this, has had trouble paving a future with any sort of permanent companion.
Camille Grammer: Think real hard. Where have you heard the last name Grammer? Think, think, think! DING! KELSEY GRAMMER! But do you even know who the hell Kelsey Grammer is? Camille does. Oh man, Kelsey’s Grammer’s wife, Camille, will tell you over and over and over and over again that 1, she definitely does not live in Kelsey’s shadow and 2, that loves to douse herself in Kelsey Grammer’s money, numerous properties, career, two children born via two surrogate mothers, and tennis “partner” and man “friend” Nick, who clearly, Kelsey also pays for. So to answer your question, no she does not live IN Kelsey Grammer’s shadow, but rather WITH Kelsey Grammer’s shadow. You see, Mr. Grammer has gone to New York City all season long to star in La Cage aux Folles on Broadway, leaving Camille to pick delusional fights with fellow cast members and meekly laugh at her own breathy jokes and convoluted stories. Oh, just before the show premiered, but after they filmed, Kelsey and Camille filed for divorce. Don’t worry about good ol’ Camille, though. She and her four nannies (for two children, remember) will find solace in the $50 million settlement Kelsey will foot.
Adrienne Maloof: Before this show, you probably hadn’t heard of the Maloofs, hadn’t you? They own the Sacramento Kings, the Palms Casino, and are one of the largest single share holders of Well Fargo. Adrienne is the only girl among brothers, but is no princess within her gilded clan. Instead, Maloof is a business woman who loves to do karate around the house and show her plastic surgeon husband who is boss by roundhouse-kicking the silicon out of his post-op nose. Despite her gaudy, Beverly Hills, one pair of 8-inch gogo boots shy of a transvestite, look, Maloof is surprisingly down-to-earth, motherly, and contained.
-Matt Griffin
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